Lights rise with The Price Is Right on television. Noonie is lying back in bed with a bowl of popcorn, a bottle of coke and a straw. The television show fades enough to allow the dialogue to be heard and remains as an embedded wall of sound beneath the dialogue until the television is shut off. Chris is heard whispering at the door.
…Darlene? You in there?
Noonie: Oh for Godsake will you come in?
Chris: Oh, you're still here.
Noonie: Shush, I'm watchin' the Price Is Right.
Chris: I figured by now you would have went home.
Noonie: I am home…now shush!
Chris: Yeah, right. Where's Darlene?
Noonie: Aww we got in this big argument. She slammed the door and went somewhere.
Chris: Well, I got a feeling that you're gonna be going somewhere too because Maw called the police.
Noonie: The police? What did she do that for?
Chris: They're supposed to be coming over here soon.
Noonie: What for?
Chris: For you. I think they're taking you somewhere.
Noonie: Well that's stupid. Where are they gonna take me?
Chris: I'm not sure…the police station I guess.
Chris: I think that maybe you better tell my mother who you are and where you live before they get here.
Noonie: But I already told her who I was an' where I live.
Chris: No, I mean I think you better tell her the truth.
Noonie: I don't know what's wrong with you people. I already told you, I live under the bed. What else do you want me to say?
Chris: The truth!
Noonie: That is the truth.
Chris: Look, Noonie or…or whatever your name is, nobody believes you live under the bed, ok? So, why do you keep saying that?
Noonie: Because it's true…you want some popcorn?
Chris: No thanks.
Noonie: It's got butter on it.
Chris: Oh…alright then!
He goes in with two hands. She slaps him.
Noonie: Hey Mister Greedy Guts! One hand at a time, ok?
Chris: Alright, alright!
Noonie: Good huh?
Pause. She sips her straw as they watch TV.
Hey, you should have been here a little while ago. They had this one on and she was in the showcase showdown, spinnin' the big wheel, and she got her shirt caught on one of the spikes as it was goin' around and it yanked it right off.
Chris: What, the spike?
Noonie: No, her shirt stupid.
Noonie: Yeah an' was it ever funny too. They had to go to a commercial.
Chris: Did she win anything?
Noonie: Yeah, she got eighty five cents and she's in the showcase at the end of the show. Of course, I'm not sure what she's gonna be wearing in the showcase on accounta she doesn't have a shirt anymore.
Chris: You like this show, huh?
Noonie: Yeah…it's great. People win stuff…they jump up and down and scream and act real crazy. It makes them happy. I like it when people are happy. How about you?
Chris: How about me what?
Noonie: Do you like it when people are happy?
Chris: Yeah, I guess so. It doesn't really matter to me. I mean, it's just a television show.
Pause. He takes more popcorn.
Chris: So, like, is this your favorite show?
Noonie: Yeah…it's cool! They give away prizes and stuff - did you know that?
He looks at her not understanding
Chris: What do you mean, did I know that?
Noonie: Did you know they give away prizes?
Chris: Well…duh, yeah, that's what it's all about.
Noonie: A woman won an entire bedroom a little while ago and all she had to do to win it was say higher or lower. She got the bed, and all the furniture to go with it too.
Chris: So you watch this show a lot, huh?
Noonie: Naw. It's the first time I ever saw it.
Chris: The first time you ever saw it? But you just told me it was your favorite show.
Noonie: It is.
Chris: But you just told me this was the first time you ever saw it.
Noonie: It is.
Chris: But if it's the first time you ever saw it, how do you know it's your favorite show?
Noonie: Because I like it…because they give away prizes…because everybody's happy…because they jump up and down and scream. What's wrong with you anyway? I just told you all this.
Chris: But it doesn't make any sense. If this is your favorite show and you've never seen it before in you life then how do you know it's your favorite show?
Noonie: Look, I can't be bothered trying to explain everything to you because if I did, you just won't believe me. Now, have some more popcorn, shut up and watch the show.
Chris takes more popcorn
Chris: This is crazy!
Noonie: Yeah, tell me about it.
Chris: Noonie, what are you gonna do if they take you away?
Chris: The police.
Noonie: They can't take me away.
Chris: Well that's what they're coming here for.
Noonie: Well, like I said, that's stupid. I live under the bed.
Chris: Will you stop saying that?
Noonie: But it's true. No matter where they take me I'll only end up back under the bed.
Chris: What do you mean you'll only end up back under the bed? If they take you away, they take you away.
Noonie: Awww, you just don't understand that's all. Now be quiet, the second show case show down is comin' right up.
A knock at the door. Mom enters
Missus Dailey: Hello Noonie.
Noonie: Oh, hi Missus Dailey. Thanks for the popcorn an' pop.
Missus Dailey: You're welcome. Where's Darlene?
Chris: Her and Noonie had a fight.
Noonie: It wasn't a fight. It was an argument and it wasn't even a real argument. We were just talkin' an' she didn't like what I was sayin' an' so she got mad an' left. She'll be ok.
Missus Dailey: Noonie, there's a nice policeman down stairs and he wants to talk to you.
Noonie: What's he wanna talk about?
Missus Dailey: He just wants to ask you a few questions.
Noonie: Is he gonna take me to the police station?
Missus Dailey: Well I…I don't know…I'm not sure. Why don't you come down stairs and talk to him first.
Noonie: But the second showcase showdown is gonna be on in a second. Can I wait until it's over?
Missus Dailey: I really think you should come down now.
She gets up from the bed, sighs and hands the bowl to Chris.
Noonie: Oh, alright…if I have to.
Missus Dailey: You can take your popcorn with you if you like.
Noonie: That's ok, I'll finish it later.
And don't you eat it all on me either.
Noonie takes Missus Dailey's hand.
Missus Dailey: That's a good girl. Let's go.
Noonie: Hey Chris, let me know who won the showcase when I get back, ok?
Chris: I don't think you're gonna be coming back, Noonie.
Missus Dailey: Chris?
Chris: Well, it's true.
Missus Dailey: Christopher?
Chris: He's gonna put you in hand cuffs and drag you off to jail.
Missus Dailey: Christopher Dailey you stop that right this minute. Nobody is going to be put in hand cuffs and nobody is going to jail.
Chris: See ya Noonie! Nice meeting you. Have fun in jail.
Noonie: Boy this is soooo stupid.
Missus Dailey: Oh…Darlene, I was looking for you.
Noonie: Hi, Darlene, I was lookin' for you too. Are you alright?
Darlene: Yeah…I'm ok. Where are you taking her?
Missus Dailey: Oh, everything's going to be fine dear. There's a nice policeman waiting in the kitchen. He just wants to talk to her to find out who she is, and where she lives. That's all.
Darlene: And then what's he going to do?
Chris: Then he's gonna lock her up and throw away the key.
Missus Dailey: Stop it! You pay no attention to him. He's just being a smart alec.
Noonie: Don't worry Darlene. Everything's gonna be just fine…you waut and see.
Missus Dailey: Noonie, let's you and I go see the nice policeman.
Noonie: Ok…if ya want.
Missus Dailey leads her out the door.
Noonie: We'll chat Darlene…you an' me, ok? Later on tonight…we'll chat…it'll be like old times.
Long pause. Darlene crosses to her bed. She pushes Chris' feet off the bed, sits down and hangs her head sadly.
Lights rise to a lullaby. Darlene is writing in her diary as the music fades.
Darlene: Dear Diary, I had a really weird day today but it all turned out for the best. And good news too! Scott called me this evening and said that he wanted us to go to the park and feed the ducks this Saturday. I can't wait. It's going to be so much fun.
She closes the diary, shuts out the light and cuddles Andrew the green teddy bear. Long Pause.
Darlene: I'm really sorry for not talking to you all these years.
Noonie: That's ok.
Darlene: I didn't mean to toss you aside and forget about you.
Noonie: You were busy, right?
Darlene: Yeah…that's it…I was busy.
Noonie: Don't worry about it, Darlene. I understand.
Darlene: Do you think Scott and I will end up getting married some day?
Noonie: Naw, I don't think so. He's not your type.
Darlene: But he's so cute…he told me loved me and I told him that I loved him too.
Noonie: There's nothing wrong with saying I love you. People say I love you all the time.
Noonie: But look on the bright side, Darlene. You'll always have Andrew, the green teddy bear to hug.
Darlene: Yeah, I guess so, huh?
Noonie: Yeah, but listen...promise me one thing, ok? When you get bored with him...when you get too old to hug him anymore, please don't throw him under the bed. There's enough junk down here already.
Darlene: Ok, I promise.
She kisses Andrew
Noonie: Yeah...goodnight Darlene.
The Girl Who Lives Under My Bed